Naughty, Naughty

OK, so we got an email today that according to Thai law, all new employees must have their email and internet monitored for their first 60 days in the country. They can be deported if they are found to be viewing porn, using excessive profanity, etc. Considering Thailand's reputation in the world, I find this law very cheeky. Consider:

• The name of the Thai capital (Bangkok)


• The name of the former capital (Sukathai)


• Common girl's name (Thittiporn - "Th" is pronounced "T"! There are actually a lot of names containing the word "porn.")


• The name of the second biggest city (Phuket)


• If you are a man, after everything you say, you say Khrap (So "hello" is "Suwatdee Khrap." Women say "Suwatdee Kha")


• If that hasn't convinced you that it's a very suggestive tongue, check out the wine menu at Sola Rosa in Ratchandaburi. Look closely!

The Great American Pain-In-The-Arse

My mum and I were at a book store this summer and we were talking about Wally Lamb. She says, "Now why doesn't he write another novel? I so enjoyed the first two, but its been like ten years!"

I told her why (and now I know from experience). Because writing a novel is FRIGGING HARD! Anyone who tells you otherwise has never gotten past the first draft. It's like music groups who hate going on tour because they get tired of their own songs . . . that's what writing a novel - and trying to actually bring it up to publication quality - is like.

So my first chapter won a contest last October and one of the judges, who is an agent, invited me to submit my completed chapters for some feedback. I asked her if she wanted them rough or if I should polish them first. Of course they should be publication quality! Gah! I told her, OK, maybe by January. I took the novel on Christmas vacation on a thumb drive - to Tana Toraja and Sulawesi! Big mistake. I was constantly having to make friends with laptops, trying to edit by imagination on napkins, racking up enormous bills at the internet cafe (without actually using the internet). And how much did I get done? Like two more chapters, dude. You laugh, you think you could do it faster, but it is FREAKING IMPOSSIBLE to write a novel, believe me.

It's now almost the NEXT October, but Candace still hasn't seen my chapters. I am sure I am on some Agent Black List as Potential Slowest Client in the World - Don't Bother. But I must point out that most clients probably:

• Had laptop that was actually functioning (and did not smoke intermittently and ultimately catch fire)
• Were not in the process of moving from Jakarta to Bangkok while writing novel
• Did not almost lose novel multiple times while traveling through Indonesia on tiny boats being swamped by enormous waves while hugging laptop to chest under Goretex jacket
• Actually had reliable internet to do research (because not living in Jakarta or parents Fred-Flintstone house where there is only dial-up)

It's not just that the editing is tedious - the research (especially for this novel) is also depressing. Since it takes place in Indonesia, the characters all live through lots of grisly current events, all of which must be fact checked. In the past week, here is a sample list of actual Google searches on my computer:

• Banten terror cell 2002 Al Qaeda
• Poso beheaded schoolgirls machete 2005
• Bali bombing 2002 jumped off Sari Club roof
• Schapelle Corby 20 years marijuana Bali
• Where can I buy a bomb in Indonesia?

So anyhoo is endless process. And that's just the writing. Then you have to write synopses, proposals, cover letters up the wazoo, then you have to submit it, then you probably have to REedit it, then in the off case it actually flies you have to MARKET it, which is a whole nother ballgame. Gah!

That being said, is very exciting as you watch it get better and better. Is definitely the perfect book to read (almost) if you are Sarah Maurer. Which, come to think of it, could be a problem, as I have offbeat tastes in everything.

No School - Coup Day

So the military has been running the Indonesian government since the Chiang Mai Interhash (2006? Don't you love how I tell time) and lately (this morning) there have been some serious protests calling for the latest dictator to step down. It looks like we are probably going to have a coup, possibly tonight or tomorrow.

Today, there was an emergency cancellation of all after school activities and all the kids went home at 2:05. They are saying there is a 50/50 chance that we will have a coup or attempted coup tonight, which means no school tomorrow!!!!! Which is nice cause I could use the day to catch up on my novel. Coup days are what we have in Thailand instead of snow days, I guess.

Some people think will be scary to have a coup, but honestly this is a country that had like 13 coups in 8 years in the 80s. When the tanks roll down the streets of Bangkok, people give the tank driver flowers. Not because they like tank drivers, but because that is just the kind of people that Thais are.

Fire Drill Faux Pas

The other day, I was in the telecom office at ISB sending a fax when some alarm or other started going off. I'm from Jakarta where we have different alarms for GO OUT (fire) and LOCK THE DOOR AND HIDE (violent intruder). Had no idea what any of the various alarms meant at ISB, so looked to Thai staff for guidance. They were just sort of standing around looking annoyed, but neither exiting nor hiding. Followed their lead and just ignored the whooping for like five minutes . . . until Bill, the head of school, came busting in with a walkie talkie! He says to me, "There's a fire alarm! What are you just standing there for?" and I said something dumb like, "Oh, is that what that noise is?" and he hustled me out the door.

Am positive that did not impress Headmaster. Quite the opposite actually. Is even more embarressing as he has a house in Estes Park and is my potential neighbor. Considering writing email to him outlining life in Indonesia and the mind-boggling number of disasters, disaster drills, false alarms, etc. that tend to make one somewhat immune to alarms of all stripes. On second thought, is probably a lame excuse.

Kiddy Slasher Flick

My new friend Sheena took her daughter (age six) to the movies this week to see Wally. They got some popcorn and sat down to watch the previews. The first preview was for a cartoon (so far, so good). Then the second preview came on and Sheena saw a bunch of coffins lined up. There was a bunch of screaming and slashing sounds and a knife with blood ripping through the air. Her husband grabbed their daughter and hustled her out, took her for a walk. Sheena stayed to guard their seats and popcorn. There was another nice preview, and then another X-rated one.

Sheena went to work the next day and told the story to a co-worker. He was all, "Yeah, didn't anyone warn you?" He says when he takes his kids, they buy popcorn and eat it in the lobby until the previews are finished. It's amazing what becomes sooo common knowledge that you don't even bother to tell people!

Shite Cannonball

Schlepped down south for a hash yesterday - and it turned out to be amazing! It was like in the middle of nowhere, and while we were waiting, we saw a giant monitor lizard crossing the road! It was seriously almost a Komodo dragon. Then we all got on a long-tail boat and started speeding up this crazy tidal river, past all these little stilt houses. The river got smaller and smaller and the boat got faster and faster . . . until it was almost like slalom. Wah!

Got out in the middle of nowhere and started our run. It was really pretty, through all these little shrimp farms and manmade lakes . . . no roads at all. Except . . . there was one part where we had to swim across this channel b/w two lakes. It looked like you could wade, but when I jumped in, I could barely touch with my tiptoes. Swam across, climbed out all muddy and ran up to ANOTHER water crossing! This time the nine-year old in me decided to do a cannonball into it - not thinking that this would MAKE MY WHOLE HEAD GO UNDER! Gah! I was completely submerged in stinky shite water! Came up and immediately thought - I am going to at least have an ear infection! Was spitting the whole time I was running cause the shite water was trickling into my mouth! Will probably have typhoid too, and cholera. Just waiting to get sick!

This weekend (if not dead) will be going on the bike hash. Can barely contain my excitement. Concept of a bike hash is up there with Jesus, Nirvana and Existential Bliss, all rolled into one. Need to adjust expectations a little, probably, in case it is not really all THAT cool.

The Sign

I have been seeing lots of rainbows lately . . . one at Dave and Stacey's wedding (which appeared when 15 min. earlier we were thinking we were more likely to see a tornado) and now this lovely one getting off the Skytrain in Bangkok . . .
Is this a sign that the storm has finally past and that this will be a happy place for me? I hope so!

Do you LOVE it here?

I get this question SOOOO much, mostly from people who have lived here for years and have forgotten how much it sucks to move. I feel like screaming, YES! It is soooo fun to leave all your family and friends and go to a new place where you feel like an idiot all the time, don't know how to make copies, get made fun of by the cleaners for peeing in the boys' room, say Jakarta in presentations when you really mean Bangkok, wonder where you will go on holiday and with whom, wonder if it will EVER be normal again, ETC., ETC., ETC. If you have someone who is new to your school, please refrain from asking them this every 5 min.!

Incidentally, the question I used to get all the time in Jakarta was, "Don't you hate it yet?" followed by, "you'll hate it less next year." Hmm.

Where On Earth Will You Vote?

There are over six MILLION Americans living overseas . . . if we were a state, we'd be the 13th largest. However, we get routinely screwed when it comes to voting because the system is not set up to accommodate overseas voters - I'll never forget getting my Colorado absentee ballott for the 2004 election . . . on Christmas!

Democrats abroad is trying to make it easier for overseas voters to vote and for their votes to count - through this organization, I was actually able to vote in the Democratic primary in Jakarta at the Kristal Hotel, just a few blocks from my house. Check out the movie below and the website votefromabroad.org.

Sorry, there's no equivalent for democrats!

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There's no escaping the prayer call . . .

The very first day in my new place, I suddenly heard inshallah allahu akbar blasting through my window -- thought I was having a Jakarta flashback, then went on the porch and saw a big mosque just over the trees! As it turns out the whole neighborhood outside the wall is Malaysian. The mosque wails day and night and its much louder here than it ever was in Jakarta. Here's a photo from my balcony . . .

Mafia Maids

So the mae banns (maids) working at Samakee Gardens have a mafia going on, where there's a kingpin (who speaks English) who gets jobs for all the others. When I first moved in, she was knocking on my door and calling me on the phone - "I have a nice girl for you! She very clean! She even speak little English!" I won't say what else it reminded me of . . . =)

The maids who are high up control the laundry room at Samakee -- if a lower level maid has clothes in the washer and they want it, they'll take out the wet clothes (your clothes!) and throw them on the floor. If a maid is from Burma or the Philippines, they won't let her in the laundry room at all.

Someone at our school hired the kingpin maid without realizing it. She finally figured it out when she saw that all the chores were "subcontracted." There was someone (not the maid) doing the cooking, someone else doing the laundry . . . the maid was outside, just sitting around.

I was kind of turned off by the whole thing, but as soon as I started working 10-12 hours a day (its our busy season for counselors), the house went downhill fast. When I realized my black and white cat was turning black and gray and leaving little black footprints all over the white furniture, I bit the bullet and hired a mafia mae bann ("She no speak English, but she very hard worker! Very hard!")

It was all worth it when I came home to my sparkling clean house. I opened my underwear drawer and saw:

I don't know what I did before I had someone to fold my underwear! How will I ever leave this place?

Chao Praya River Cruise

When you move to a new international school, they definitely wine and dine you the first couple weeks! We've had a social event every night, complete with catered Thai food and Singha beer. Here are a few photos from a dinner cruise we took on the Chao Praya River, which goes through downtown Bangkok:

Some of you might remember Ralph from JIS

The Grand Palace

Durian v. Giant Spider

Here's Durian, the $1500 kitty, just off the plane from Jakarta. As you can see, Fat Camp with Dr. Daisy did not work so well . . . he still has "little head, big body" thing going on!

The first morning when I woke up, I came upstairs and saw that Durian was playing with a GIANT SPIDER that was (shudder) still alive!

Just in case you haven't barfed yet, watch the video!

I finally caught the spider on a broom and flung it off the balcony. I thought it would land in a tree and stick, but it fell all the way down to the ground and splatted!

No spiders spotted since, although I did find two giant, dead cockroaches in one of the kitchen cupboards. The mae bann cleaned them up before I could get a picture . . .

International School Bangkok Photos

A few photos of my new school . . .

Samakee Gardens Photos

So here's a picture of my building. It's in a lame gated-community in the suburbs - so not my scene! If this keeps up I'll be a Volvo driving soccer mom before you know it =)

Here's a short list of what you'll find in our compound:

• 2 International Schools
• Starbucks
• Massage parlour
• Salon
• Travel agent
• SCUBA shop
• Restaurants
• Country club
• Western style grocery store (sells Doritos, Cheerios and every kind of liquor and wine imaginable -- so refreshing after Jakarta!)
• Hospital
• Two dentists
• Pet store
• Drug store
• Gym
• Giant fishing lake
• Golf cart parking (Uncle Doug would be in heaven)

Basically, its perfect for people who never wanted to move to Thailand in the first place and would like to pretend they're still living in America or wherever.

Here's one just for Kel and Jen - my neighbors are trying to graft a Mr. Spikey onto their tree!

Bananas growing wild in the yard

My New Blog

Welcome to my new blog! I wanted to do something with more pictures and features than MySpace. If you want to read about life before Bangkok, you can find more posts at www.myspace.com/sarahemaurer.

Cheers,
Sar